The Reason You’re Emotionally Dying a Slow Death, And How to Get Back

“Pastor Hamilton, we were wondering why your wife hasn’t been to church the last 2 Sundays?” Me: “Just keep her lifted up in prayer.” “She really hasn’t been feeling that well the past two weeks.” Church member: “Is she sick?” Me: “Know, she’s just been feeling under the weather;” as I kept a straight face knowing that I was lying through my teeth. The reality was that she didn’t like the people and she didn’t like the way I had changed to fit in to keep a paycheck coming 2 times a week. Does that scenario sound familiar to anyone in the eyesight of this article? Half of all Pastors and Leader from all walks of life are operating under fear afraid they could lose their job at any second. So, they conform into a shell of what they were truly created to be.

But the above question and conversation is one had by thousands: No, probably millions of people involved in the corporate gathering of men and women all over the world that feel forced to pretend to be someone that they’re not. How does this happen and what can we do to minimize it?

I’m going to tell a little of my story of how this “fake” narrative that millions of people feel that have to project and play can affect you while at the same time destroying the relationships around you, if not corrected. I’m going to take you back in time to my seminary days back in the olden days. There I was excited about attending a prestigious school where I would one day graduate and go out into the world to hopefully help change people’s lives for the better. To better my skills, I even got a master’s degree in Professional Counseling to handle issues within the congregations.

But in graduate, I was funny and gregarious, always talking giving my slant on things. It was that part of me that my ex-wife thoroughly enjoyed. Oops, I’m giving away the plot line way too soon, but many who have traveled the same path as I, fully get where I’m coming from, and where I’m going.

Let’s fast forward to graduation day and all the other graduates that are ready to hit the road to take their place in the circle of life. But what most people aren’t prepared for in the real world is the abrupt harshness of people towards you when you’re finally on the frontline of reality. You are no longer protected by your parents, your teachers, your friends, or your old community. In many cases, it’s just you and your inner circle of one or two (i.e. your spouse, significant other, and maybe a kid or two).

You’re there trying to make a difference in the world, and the people you’re trying to reach have already started critiquing you, both positively and negatively. While your immediate family members are merely trying to fit in. But many of the people in your new circle have already cast their ballots on who they like in your family and who they don’t. And during this “emotional election,” they’ve concluded that you as the leader will do just fine, IF you do what they tell you to do. However, everyone else in your family will be “put up” with and tolerated as long as they go along with the program. And that’s when the “emotional slow death” begins for all parties involved within the leader’s family, unless that head person does something to protect his or her family. If you can relate, let me hear an Amen! And this scenario doesn’t have to be at a church. It can be in a corporate environment. It can be anywhere in the world where millions of people feel like they have to play this pretend game to get ahead or die trying.

So, here’s the 3 Steps to this slow emotional death, that can be averted at any time during this movie, if the 2 parties so choose:

1. The Leader Decides to Suffocate His Personality for The Approval of The Masses. In many cases, the person begins listening more to the people in their new growing circle than the people that they live with. This causes much friction in the leader’s household causing the significant other to feel ignored and unappreciated. He or she becomes more of a prop in the relationship for the purpose of the false presentation of an almost perfect relationship that in no way exists.
2. The Significant Other Rebels Overtime If the Leader Doesn’t Change the Fake Behavior. It’s at this phase that the spouse will no longer play this deceitful game. The suffocated personalities are in major relational trouble because the leader is now so focused on his own dreams and goals that resentment has set in on both parties, not able to hear each other for a workable solution.
3. The Relationship of The Leader Is Now Dead-on-Arrival. The only thing they can revive or save it, is returning back to the people they use to be. However, to do so, the leader will have to make the major decision to either step down or take a sabbatical to focus on preparing the emotional damage that has been done. They have to stop the emotional bleeding. This is their “fork in the road” moment. This is where they have to ask the hard questions. “Is this relationship even worth saving?” “Can we work together to rebuild what we use to have?” These are questions that must be answered to move forward or to move on. So, what’s the steps needed for recovery.

Recovery Steps:

1. Do the work. Not all, but many have to begin to ask the question, “What do I love about this person?” “What did I love about this person when I first met then?” It is at this stage that both parties have to make the decision to try and “Accept” the person for who they are instead of what they want the other person to be. Each person must begin to feel that they can be the true essence of who they really are so that during the healing process so they can avoid a repeat of falling into the same ditch of trying to be what other expect them to be.
2. Work On Being You; Nobody Else but You. And you actually ask yourself, “Who am I?” You’d be surprised that most people have not taken the time the find that out. The rediscovery of who you are is a process in itself. At this stage of the game, you actually have to reprogram your subconscious mind to not only save your relationship but to save yourself. Although, many people run from their relationship thinking that they just need to change partners, which is not the case. Because if you don’t change, nothing will change, even if you move to the next best thing. Your Mindset has to change.
3. Once You Figure Out Who You Are, You Then You Have to Figure Out What You want to be, do, and have for your Life. You discover that it is your responsibility to make yourself happy, not someone else.
4. Once You Both Respectively Discover Your “Why,” life together can be a beautiful thing. It can be beautiful. Because at that stage of your life and relationship, you don’t want to be anybody but yourself. At that stage, you don’t care what anybody else thinks about you. Just as long as you’re content with living life on your terms. So, get back to the place you were born to be. And tell everybody else to kick rocks.

Bernard H Hamilton, Th.M., MAPC
He’s now an Entrepreneur/Realtor/Consultant & Therapist
Visit his link below for products that can help you do the work.
https://a1resilientlife.com/shop